ONE UPMANSHIP, THE PREQUEL
by Mad-Friend
Summary: Laurel had Hardy, Morcambe had Wise and the mild mannered Kyrano has the hapless Parker, who is about to test his patience to the limits.


ONE UP-MANSHIP, THE PREQUAL.

I do not own the rights to Thunderbirds Carlton does, but I hold in highest regard the amazing team who created this endearing series, my special thanks to them for bringing something wonderful into my childhood.

My special thanks to all those who have left me such encouraging reviews.

As the title says this is the prequel to One Up-Manship, my first F.F., and is in response to those who asked for more.

I hope this light-hearted story, involving two such opposite characters, hits the spot in the feel good factor department. I have a wicked sense of humour that won't stay down, as you'll see.

In brief: this is the first visit by Penny and Parker to the island. Even without Gordon's involvement, Parker has made his presence felt in such a way that Kyrano resorts to an act of reprisal so out of character, those around him are left thunderstruck.

To all those who are familiar with the Thunderbirds mini album 'Introducing Thunderbirds' written by Alan Fenell please forgive my artistic licence in digressing from his version of events.

Day one 10:33am:

Jeff watched, as the impressive sleek lines of FAB 2 glided majestically to the end of the launch. Parker skilfully extricated FAB 1 from its bowels and, using the hydrofoils, guided it along the water and up the ramp normally used by Thunderbird Four. He brought it to a halt on the runway, while the ship's crew turned the impressive cruiser around and headed back for the mainland. Jeff had been looking forward to this visit (Lady Penelope's first to the island) and he'd wanted things just so.

"Jeff this is beautiful," Penny exclaimed, unfolding her expensively clad form from the rear seat of the rolls and drinking in the view. "I had no idea. I think I'm going to like being here."

He smiled, pleased, "I certainly hope so Penny." Seeing his manservant making his way forward Jeff turned and began the introductions. "Parker, I don't believe you've met Kyrano yet? Kyrano, this is Lady Penelope's servant."

"Butler; hif you please sir," Parker said with an air of polite deference.

Parker and Kyrano faced one another; grey blue eyes met brown ones, assessingly. Each travelled the length of the other. A subtle undercurrent passed between the two as they scrutinised one another, until each was sure he had the measure of the other. Parker was of the opinion he was definitely the superior of the two. "My name is Aloysius Parker; Parker to may friends, but you may call me _Mr_. Parker," the cockney stated, lifting his not inconsiderable nose a fraction higher. Measured pride in his voice.

Kyrano bowed slightly, his expression deadpan. With emphasised politeness he replied, "I have _heard_ much about you…._Mr_. Parker."

A muscle in the side of Parker's face jerked at the inflection. He wondered what his Malaysian counterpart meant. Kyrano's tone hadn't sounded complimentary. On the other hand, he, Parker, hadn't heard anything about Kyrano. Feeling at a distinct disadvantage, Parker didn't enjoy the feeling one little bit.

"Well; now that we have the introductions out of the way, let's get to the house shall we? The family are waiting there to meet you Penny."

"Excellent Jeff. Parker; do the honours will you?"

Having ensured his passenger's were comfortably ensconced before sliding into the driver's seat, Parker barely left Kyrano time to squeeze into the small gap, that wasn't occupied by her ladyship's luggage, before setting off. This didn't endear him with the gentle Malaysian, who struggled to maintain his balance as he was jostled all the way back to the house. Consequently the relationship between the two, cool to start with, descended a further degree. By the time Parker's visit was over artic temperatures would be reached, and Kyrano's calm demeanour shattered.

A tour of the island had been planned for later in the day in the meanwhile Jeff gave Penny a tour of the house an action that was keenly observed by her butler. Parker's colourful career stood him in good stead, as he discreetly watched Jeff, and made mental notes of the layout of the house. He quickly worked out the safe's whereabouts. And, in his opinion, its placement was so last century. Behind a bookshelf. Now if it had been like her ladyship's, beneath the floor, he would have been filled with admiration, but, he concluded, at the end of the day, placement or not, one looted safe was pretty much like another, and this one was going to be a piece of cake!

With the rest of the family occupied, showing their English agent the operations side of the base, Kyrano felt it incumbent upon himself to make small talk with her ladyships' butler. It also gave him an opportunity to observe the middle aged cockney, whose oddly edgy behaviour had Kyrano's finely honed instincts prickling. He concluded that perhaps the journey and the change in climate had something to do with it. "So, your er, first name is Aloysius, Mr. erm, Parker?"

"That's rhight."

"Aloysius?"

"Aloysius," Parker confirmed, raising his chin a fraction higher. "You 'ave somethin' heygainst may name?" he said, throwing him a sharp look. "What's yours anyway?"

"Kyrano."

"Hey know that, what else?"

"_Mr. _Kyrano."

"Huh!" '_Not hey chance old chum.'_ "How long hev you been in Mr. Tracy's hemploy then, Ky-ran-ho?"

"I have had the honour to be in Mr. Tracy's service several years now. Though I have had the privilege of Mr. Tracy's acquaintanceship since my service at the Kennedy Space Centre. Before that I worked for several years at Kew Gardens, were I had the honour to tend the rare Asian Orchids. Prior to my service with Mr. Tracy I had the position of head chef at the Paris Hilton." Kyrano's history of his years of service, had Parker's face twitching with envy. "_Head_ chef?"

Kyrano nodded imperceptibly.

'_Wished I'd never blinkin' asked.'_ "Quate, well ey'm not without a distinguished record meyself."

Kyrano gave him a probing look, "I see. And er, have you been long in her Ladyship's employ?"

Parker proved he could stretch the truth more than a little, if needed, and responded with a date that had Kyrano favouring him with a myopic stare. _'It would appear that maths is not your strongest subject.'_ "And before that?"

"Erm; well, hey erm, was taking time out. To re-hey-valuate mey future."

Kyrano, (having overheard his employer in conversation), knew all about Parker's past, and where his 'time out' had been spent. _'Distinguished record would be about right then._' He smiled blandly as Parker proceeded to give him chapter and verse on the long list of six months apprenticeships Parker had served, for every conceivable skill. Kyrano worked out that Parker's service must have begun in his infanthood.

"Rhight! Well as nayce as it 'as been, listenin' to you, hey must get on."

Kyrano was taken aback by the abrupt exit.

"Some people don't half go on," Parker chuntered beneath his breath and glancing at his watch. "Hey've just haybout time to keep me 'and in, an', that'll be cuttin' it fine. Make no mistake." Parker dashed to the second guest bedroom that had been allocated to him, and, cast about in his suitcase until he'd located the item he was searching for. Holding up the old fashioned stethoscope, he headed in the direction of the Tracy family safe, a predatory smile on his weathered face. Confident, in the certain knowledge that the family were occupied, Parker made his way brazenly along the corridor and with expertise, slipped into the library. Padding over to the bookshelf, he felt beneath it until he'd located the small pearl sized button. Holding his breath, his instincts honed for the slightest sound, he pushed, smiling in satisfaction as the smooth almost silent swish revealed the gleaming metal behind the false row of books.

"Aloysius, me old son; this is your lucky day…..give or take hay few minutes." Reaching into his pocket, Parker lifted the faithful piece of kit and slipped the earpieces into place. Pressing the bell to the safe he began to auscultate it, listening with an old familiar expertise for the unmistakable telltale clicks. A satisfied look warmed his face as the safe responded to the ministrations of his fingertips, in much the same way a mistress might. His satisfied look was replaced with a broad grin as the door silently swung open, revealing the contents. Parker's blue eyes lit up as he observed the bulging wads of notes stacked provocatively in the safe. Some were in U.S dollars, the rest in world currency, along with certain documents. These included the Top Secret International Rescue codes and call signs. He put those back, but the rest of the contents he stuffed in every pocket and crevice at his disposal. Had anyone entered the library at that moment he would have been hard pressed to explain away the circumstances in which he'd been found. But Parker had the slippery luck of a felon as he clicked shut the safe, slid back the bookshelf, and made his way back to his room to begin the addictive pleasure of counting his ill gotten gains.

6:37pm that evening:

"Parker? Come in here please," Lady Penelope requested, in a tone that brooked no argument.

Parker dragged his feet into the room a watchful look about him.

"M'lady?"

"What can you tell me about the contents of Mr. Tracy's safe?"

He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and swallowed hard. "Me, m'lady?"

"You, Parker!"

"Well hey can't reytly say, m'lady," he prevaricated, avoiding her eye.

"Then I suggest you try. Or shall I do it for you? I _am_ aware it was you. Now you had better return those contents to me. IMMEDIATELY!"

Parker lifted his eyes then quailed beneath her scrutiny. "Very good m'lady," he said heavily. Returning from his room, he reluctantly handed over several rolled up documents and a sum of money that, even by Lady Penelope Creighton-Wards' standards, was vast. He watched his mistress's face adopt a scandalised pose and knew he was about to be hauled over the coals.

"PARKER; _REALLY_! How could you? And on top of Mr. Tracy's hospitality as well. What _were_ you thinking?"

"Sorry, m'lady, it won't 'appen heygain."

"You're absolutely right it won't! Now I want your word on that. And I also want you to return this little lot back to the safe while I try and smooth things over with our host."

"Very well m'lady." Parker's dejection was such that her Ladyship almost felt sorry for him. "Oh; and Parker?"

"Yes m'lady?"

"I want you to put _all_ of it back in that safe."

"_All_ of it m'lady?"

"Yes Parker; ALL of it. Then, when you've done that, I want a word with you."

"Hall that work an' hay don't even get hey little snifter of it….haint no justice in the world," he mumbled well out of ear shot. "An' to boot her ladyship wants hey little word with me. Lake hey don't know what that'll be lake."

By the end of the evening he was of the firm opinion that whoever had stated that women were the weaker sex had a bloomin' cheek. The energy he expended in a week polishing FAB1 couldn't match hers after the verbal tongue lashing she gave him. He came to the conclusion that ten rounds with light fingered Fred would have been a better option than one of her _'words'._

Day two 8:04am:

By the following morning calm had been restored to the Tracy household, and the place had stopped buzzing about Parker's little escapade. Lady Penelope's temper was back on an even keel as she gave the contrite butler a list of chores. "You're lucky we have such an understanding host, or I wouldn't be able to hold my head up again."

"Yes m'lady."

"Oh and Parker? You won't forget to air the mattress, will you?"

"No m'lady."

"Right then I shall go for breakfast, you may have yours just as soon as you've finished that little task. I'm sure Kyrano would be only to happy for you to join him."

"Yes m'lady."

Kyrano, who occupied the rooms below the main guest bedrooms, overheard and raised an eyebrow. Just at that moment a polite tap on the door was Penny's cue to join Jeff in the dining room. "Ah Jeff; so good of you to escort me."

"Not at all Penny, my pleasure," he replied, looking over her shoulder, to her manservant. A glint of steel registered in the depths of Jeff's, as his deep blue eyes locked with Parker's. This turned to one of amusement as he recalled the previous evening. He'd heard the strip being torn off Parker. Jeff almost felt sorry for him, as he observed the now chastened butler. The nerve the man possessed was audacious. A man had to be either very brave, or very stupid to try and steal from him. Jeff wasn't quite sure which category Parker fitted into, but was relieved that, (_purportedly_), Parker was on their side. Jeff had a feeling that as long as Parker was around, things would never be dull on the island.

Parker waited only long enough for her ladyship's departure before turning his attention to the task he'd been given. Eyeing the mattress, he rolled up his sleeves. "Best get on with it then, no breakfast 'til hey do".

With that, he stripped the pink silk sheets and pulled the mattress from the base, and onto its side. '_Where the flippin' 'eck am ey supposed to put this blinkin' thing though?' _he pondered looking round for a suitable wall to prop the luxurious bulky item. At that moment his eyes lit on the doors to the balcony and he knew instantly he had the perfect spot.

_'Hall the fresh air 'er lady ship require. An' if this doesn't satisfy her requirements, hey'll eat me hat.'_

Kyrano laid the table on his balcony and carried through his breakfast tray. He'd already attended to the breakfasts for the Tracy household. Mr. Tracy, along with his family, would be sitting down to theirs just about now. And, in spite of the many requests from his benefactor to join them, Kyrano preferred this idyllic spot, which was situated at the rear of the house near to the Koi pond and below the two guest bedrooms. His suite of rooms contained all the trappings of small luxury flat, including two bedrooms with on-suite, for himself and Tin-Tin. But what it excelled in was the view, nothing could surpass that. Taking his seat, Kyrano drank in the view. This was his favourite time of day. Kyrano found the peaceful tranquillity invigorating. From the position of the house he had the sun on his balcony from eight until noon, and it was perfect for the first meal of the day. _'What is that man doing?' _he frowned, looking upward while pouring himself a cup of lightly fragranced tea.

Glancing through the palm trees that lined the island, he had a superb view of the turquoise seas and white sands. He sighed contentedly, breathing in the scent from the myriad shrubs and flowers dotted around him in the garden below. As he listened to the bird songs he was again distracted by the bumping and banging from the floor above him. _'What is that man doing?'_ Unfolding his napkin and with great care, Kyrano placed it across his knees before removing the lid from his tray. Picking up his knife and fork he smiled with satisfaction, _'what more could a man want?'_ he thought, as the noise from above infringed on his solitude, for the third time. _'WHAT IS THAT MAN DOING?' _

_'Whey don't they make these things more lightweight, so one doesn't 'ave ey blinkin' hernia liftin' 'em?' Nearly there me old son, just,hay few, feet, more. There…..that should just haybout do it.'_ Using all the ingenuity deftness and cunning at his disposal, Parker tugged, prodded and yanked the cumbersome article through the balcony doors, propping it up by the rail. Even as he was congratulating himself, the smug look on his face slid as fast as the mattress he'd struggled so valiantly with. It lurched, even as he rallied himself and made a grab for it. His face was a mask of horror as it tumbled over the rails onto the balcony beneath. That it had found a target was soon apparent, by the sounds of smashing crockery, mingling with the splutters of outrage from the normally even tempered manservant of Jefferson Tracy. Muttering a silent prayer, Parker forced his reluctant frame forward. Then taking a deep breath, he gripped the rail and peered cautiously over the balcony, wincing when he saw the damage the mattress had wreaked. Breakfast items were scattered in all directions and from what he could see of the Malaysian, Kyrano was wearing, rather than eating his breakfast. Did he hear right? Was that allowed?_ 'An' ey thought ey knew all the swear words.' _"You're alright then Ky-ran-ho? Not met yer maker then?" he blustered, favouring the horizontal man with his most winning smile. It had the effect of chalk on a blackboard, as the head scowling from beneath the mattress spoke, "It would appear even you cannot bring about that appointment ahead of schedule. Now if it is not asking too much, perhaps you would care to, GET THIS THING OFF ME!"

Kyrano was warming to the opinion that the light fingered professionals' had lost a valid member when the 'walking deckchair' had left their numbers.

Parker was uncomfortably aware he'd gone down in Kyrano's estimation after that, (even more so than the 'safe' incident had created). Parker wondered what, if anything he could do to redeem himself. Should the opportunity arise, Parker vowed he'd make it his priority to get back into Kyrano's good books, a task that shouldn't prove to difficult for one of England's finest butlers.

Hot on the heels of his previous caper, the bed incident had raised a riot of laughter among the younger members of the family. His pride could live with that, _just_. But he found the looks, the auburn haired son of Jeff Tracy kept favouring him, with very disconcerting. The idea of a zoo specimen under a microscope came to mind. He dismissed it in the end, deciding he was being fanciful. He wasn't.

7:32pm that evening:

Though still feeling out of sorts with the culprit of his various aches and pains, Kyrano's impeccable manners were in evidence, as he addressed his counterpart, "Mr. Parker; tell me please, where are the starters?"

Parker, hearing the slight edge in the manservant's voice, coupled with the worry in his eyes, rushed to reassure him, "Don't panic me old son. I hev done you hay favour. Those things were off."

"Off? _Off! _What do you mean? I prepared them myself only an hour ago. What exactly are you suggesting?"

"Look; keep yer 'air on. Hey sniffed 'em an' eym tellin' you they was off."

Kyrano drew in a ragged breath and willed himself to remain calm. "Perhaps you would be er, good enough to tell me where you have put them; Mr. Parker."

"Binned 'em of course. You don't think hey'd allow 'er ladyship to eat somethin' guaranteed to give her ay jiffy tummy; do you?"

Kyrano swallowed hard on his newly acquired temper, "Are you implying I would feed my master and his family sub standard cuisine?"

"Cui…what? Hey 'ave no wish to 'ho-fend you me old mate, but hey've seen what you've bin feedin' em, an' it turns may stomach, it just ain't British."

Biting down on the newly acquired urge to thump him, Kyrano watched the entrance of Mrs. Tracy with relief. "Perhaps; Mr. Parker; you would care to direct your…..expertise……..in the dining room."

"What? Oh quate. How many place settings do you require?"

_'Can't you add up?' _"Since you and I will have the honour of serving; nine settings will be required thankyou."

He heard Mrs. Tracy's melodic tones chuckling behind him and turned to give her a harassed frown.

"Are things that bad Kyrano?"

"I am optimistic they will improve; Mrs. Tracy."

"That's the spirit," she said, overlooking the subtle overtones of sarcasm in the Malaysian's voice. "Where are the starters?"

"They are currently residing in the bottom of the trash bin."

"The trash bin! What on earth are they doing there?"

"They are there courtesy of her Ladyship's manservant."

At the astonished questioning look being bounced in his direction Kyrano added, do not ask further Mrs. Tracy, you would not believe me." Shaking his head and sighing, the normally mild mannered Malaysian asked, "perhaps you have some ideas for a last minute starter Mrs. Tracy?" As a mark of sympathy, the matriarch of the family kept the twinkle in her eyes down to a minimum as she rolled up her sleeves and set about restoring some calm to Kyrano's ruffled feathers, with a suitable alternative, while, he wondered what else the hapless butler had in store for them. _'Nothing'_ he hoped fervently. If he only knew.

Day three 3:57pm:

Walking into the kitchen, Mrs. Tracy observed the pinched look Kyrano was wearing as he listened to Parker extolling him on the virtues of his many years experience in the art of silver polishing.

"You ain't doin it right, me ol' son. You have to 'andle it lake it was hey baby, all gentle like. 'Ere let me help you," he offered making a grab for the Parola Sands racing trophy. His face took on a scrunched look as he scrutinised the half he now held. His eyes flicked to the base in Kyrano's hands, then up into the eyes of the retainer, wishing he hadn't as an artic blast met him.

"You have an, ah….. interesting way with silver Mr. Parker. But erm, perhaps if you will permit me to continue in my own, inferior fashion, I will try not to………further dismember the family treasures," Kyrano stated dryly.

Parker flushed uncomfortably, "'Ere you need some glue for that."

"Perhaps I should just give it to master Alan…….?"

Sensing now would be a good time to defuse the situation Mrs. Tracy turned to her son's retainer, "Kyrano; I wonder if you would be kind enough to fetch some drinks out onto the balcony please; you know our preferences."

"It will be my pleasure Mrs. Tracy."

Crossing her fingers, she left them to it.

Kyrano carefully placed the two halves of the trophy on the table and went over to the cabinet and set about collecting glasses and a tray. He had a sense of undergoing a practical exam as he prepared and mixed the drinks, all the while aware of Parker's vigilant eyes boring into him. After careful preparation he lifted the tray when……….

"I couldn't help noticing……." He stiffened and took a determined step towards the door…….."That's not quate how we do things where ey come from."

_'Then please go back.'_

"'Ere, let me heysist you."

"Mr. Parker would you please remove your hands from my tray?"

"As those drinks are for her ladyship it is my job to serve the drinks."

"It is my duty to serve the drinks er….Mr. Parker."

"Yes; but hey thought you'd lake to see 'ow it's really done."

"I have had no complaints on my service from Mr. Tracy so far."

"Oh I'm er; quate sure he heyppreciates that you're doin' it to the best of your heybility Ky-ran-o."

"I always have the honour to serve in this household."

"Oh but you don't always have ay butler from one of Hingland's stately 'omes."

"Forgive me, but I insist."

"Take your mitts of my tray………now look what you've done."

"_Your_ tray? Your…er inimitable _talents_ never cease to amaze me Mr. Parker." Kyrano smiled grimly surveying the damage. "However you may er, have the honour of demonstrating one of the six months apprenticeships you claim to have served."

"Pardon, old son?"

"In floor cleaning!Let us hope it is better than your six months apprenticeship in silver polishing."

"'Ey heard that."

The atmosphere had turned colder than the ice cubes scattered on the floor, and though the commotion had been heard all over the house, those wise enough deemed it prudent to give the kitchen a wide berth. There were no willing volunteers to investigate the 'state of play'.

Day four 5:18pm:

"So whatcha' got there then Ky-ran-ho, me old mate?"

Jeff's manservant tensed involuntarily, turned slowly and with a certain amount of trepidation, moved to one side so that England's finest butler could view his splendid collection of bonsai trees.

Normally, a modest unassuming man, when it came to his collection a different side to Kyrano could be observed. His dignified pride flowered as he began a detailed description on the art of bonsais, their needs and the various species. His animated enthusiasm took an abrupt nose dive as Parker uttered, "Look lake squatty little old broomsticks; if you hask me," and, oblivious to the feathers he was ruffling, he barged on with, "what's the point of having a tree if you can't climb it?"

Kyrano did his best to disabuse his counterpart of his view point, both unaware that their heated conversation had carried to the practical joker of the family, who was listening with avid interest as Kyrano tried, and failed, to instil some culture into Parker.

_'Wonder if I can help him there?' _Gordon grinned, a look stealing over his face that would have had his brothers cringing with dread. Always on the lookout for a new chance to set someone up, Gordon felt he'd been presented with a heaven sent opportunity in Parker. The manservant didn't know him very well, or his penchant for practical jokes. This therefore, made him the perfect target. The seeds of an idea were already formulating and feeling pleased at his ingenuity, Gordon set about putting his plan into operation. A detailed search on the web, a few discreetly emailed photos, plus a couple of phone calls later indicating his specific requirements, and the first part of Gordon's plan was set in motion. Next he had to ensure that only he intercepted the mail plane. Should either his father or Kyrano beat him to it, his idea would have to be scuppered. The second part of his plan was to get Kyrano out of the way. How he proposed to do it was something he'd worry about when the time came.

Five days later, during which he'd observed some interesting interactions between the two menservants, Gordon's plan was ready to proceed. The mail plane had arrived and no-one batted an eye when he volunteered to go down and meet it, and no-one noticed he didn't return for almost an hour. Only Penelope observed the way Gordon pulled at the collar of his shirt when he rejoined them. She had no idea this was the giveaway sign that the prankster was brewing his next practical joke and so merely smiled in sublime ignorance.

Day nine 9:57am:

Jefferson Tracy's mother bustled into the kitchen, in time to see the grim expression Kyrano was unable to mask as he pounded the large pliable mound in his fists into something resembling play dough. She said nothing merely cast her eyes to the large gleaming stainless steel mixer standing idle on the worktop, "Mixer out of order Kyrano?" she enquired pleasantly, mistaking the reason for his temper.

He flushed slightly, realising he now had an audience, and quickly slipped his inscrutable mask back into place. "Oh, er….no Mrs. Tracy, the er mixer is in fine order thankyou. I ….just felt like trying it this way for a change."

"'Course you did Kyrano….Anyone I know?" she quipped, noting the way Kyrano's hands were round the dough. "He can be, how shall I say; a little trying?"

"If you are referring to the….. 'walking humbug' Mrs. Tracy, then you are, as ever, perceptive."

She chuckled over his description. "Still sore at him over the drinks?"

"It appears, Mrs. Tracy; my patience has undergone many tests this week." He thought of the initial meeting, the mattress, the avocado starters, the dismembered silver trophy, the continual boasting and wondered where it would all end.

Mrs. Tracy had every sympathy with the man in front of her stoically pounding the bread, though, with less vigour. A sign his agitation was burning itself out.

"What you need is a break."

Kyrano nodded, "There is a very appealing notion about breaking something……" _'Or someone,'_ and the look that stole across his face amused the matriarch even more.

"Now…now; Kyrano. You mustn't deliberately misunderstand me. I mean you need time away from the island."

That stopped the Malaysian in his tracks and he almost dropped the dough he'd worked to a smooth ball. "You can not mean it? But Mr. Tracy?……my services?…..he _needs _me."

"Of course he does, we all do. I'm not suggesting you leave, just have some time away from…..things."

"And permit the inimitable Parker to erm wreak havoc?"

Mrs. Tracy chuckled gently again, "You think I can't handle him, after raising that son of mine and helping to raise those five boys? Believe me one Aloysius Parker I can handle. Now if you've finished beating that bread into submission, why don't you take a well earned rest and think about it? I promise not to let our light-fingered butler usurp you, or destroy the place," she pledged, her blue eyes twinkling as she pressed a drink into his hands and gently ushered him in the direction of the pool. He did think about it while sitting with unaccustomed stillness in one of the many loungers dotted around the pool, swirling the glass and sipping at the amber contents. His mind drifted as he gazed at the reflective undulating waters, his eyes unfocused on the depths and he blinked hard, shaking his head at the image that had stolen into his mind, then jumped almost out of his skin as the object of his thoughts slapped him heartily on the back and dropped into the chair beside to him. "Ky-ran-ho; me ol' mate. Skiving?"

With measured deliberation Kyrano brushed at the spilled contents on his turquoise trousers, while gripping hard onto the glass and forcing a clenched smile. He almost dropped the glass as he took in the loud Hawaiian shirt and if possible even louder lime green shorts through which protruded a pair of white hairy legs.

"You want to watch that, you hare gettin' careless in your old age."

"_Mr_. Parker," he managed between gritted teeth, "Does her ladyship not require your services?"

"It heypears not. An' 'ey thought you looked lake you could do with some company."

"Mr. Parker. Your perceptiveness is astonishing."

Parker beamed with delight. "Think nothin' of it ol' son. Glad to see you hain't the sort to bear hey grudge."

And as the afternoon wore on, along with Kyrano's remaining patience, the prospect of a shopping trip grew infinitely more appealing. Even the thought of leaving his domain at the mercy of one of England's _finest_ butlers could not deter him. Resolved, he volunteered eagerly the following day to fly to the mainland and replenish the family supplies.

Day ten 10:05am:

Gordon Tracy could hardly believe his luck. The outcome couldn't have been better if he'd used all his ingenuity in planning to get Kyrano off the island. No sooner had Kyrano departed than he approached the rough diamond, "How's it going there Parker? Fancy a spot of fishing?"

What he had to say needed to take place without the prospect of being overheard, and as far away from prying ears as possible, without raising suspicions. (_For some reason his family were a suspicious lot_). What could be more innocent than a couple of hours with a rod and line.

Parker looked up at the amiable young man with his hands in his pockets, "I should cocoa." He followed the young aquanaut down to the quay side. "Hey was wonderin' what you hall did to hoccupy yourselves…..between rescues, that is," he said, noting the boat and tackle that were already waiting.

"Oh we're kept busy enough, doing maintenance and the like. And, in our spare time, there's any number of outdoor activities from water skiing, jet skiing, paragliding abseiling, pot-holing, scuba-diving to name a few. Plus there's always the island of Moyla to explore. You'd be hard pressed to find a more beautiful island anywhere. And of course there's fishing. What about yourself, how are you liking your stay?"

"Hay seem to 'ave hit a bit of hey wrong note with Ky-ran-ho………apart from that things hare a little quiet for my tastes. No disrespect hintended sir, don't get me wrong, the hiland is very beaut-hiful, but ay likes a spot of hexcitement, casinos, cards an the like." _'Among other things.'_

"You play poker eh? So does Kyrano, quite a mean hand too from what I can gather. You should get him to have you a game. Oh I forgot things are a little tetchy between the two of you. Still if you want to get back in his good books……… I know just the thing."

Parker waited patiently as the young man prepared and cast his rod out. Following his example, he turned expectantly to hear Gordon's solution. A couple of hours later the only bait that had been taken was by Parker, who smiled blithely as he was deposited ashore.

The young man with the auburn hair and a reputation for harebrained pranks watched his departure with a smile of such satisfaction that Parker would have run a mile if he'd had any inkling he'd been groomed for centre stage and the leading role. But, blissful in his ignorance, the butler of Creighton-Ward Mansion made his way leisurely back to the house.

Gordon had worked out he needed about an hour or two in which to carry out the next part of his scheme. More than enough time, since Kyrano wasn't likely to be back for the remainder of the day. But there was one other problem, the rest of the family. He had to ensure he wasn't caught, especially by his father. But everything was going his way as the whole family gathered round the pool for an impromptu sunbathing and drinks session, leaving him free to put into operation the final phase of his plan. It was almost too easy, he mused, as he went down to the hanger and collected the parcels he'd hidden there. His confidence was almost his undoing as the unmistakable sound of Virgil's smooth tones interrupted him, "What have you got there bro?"

He wheeled round to face the curious brown eyes trying to peer round him at the well wrapped parcels. "Oh er, Virge, what are you doing here?" he prevaricated, stalling for time.

"Might ask you the same. You up to something?"

"Does it look as if I am?" he asked, and then groaned inwardly.

Gordon felt as if he were under a microscope as his brother scrutinised him, his eyes flicking constantly to the parcels. He felt the sweat beginning to break out on his forehead as Virgil's eyes narrowed, and Gordon knew he had to think quickly, or the game was up. He toyed briefly with the idea of confessing, but felt this was too risky. Virgil's serious nature would more than likely see him putting a stop to Gordon's latest caper, and he couldn't have that. Bingo!

"Grandma's birthday's next week…….."

"Ah," Virgil supplied, "and you're on the ball, right?"

"Erm; something like that, yeah. So what brings you down here?"

Virgil shrugged, "Dad was just wondering where you were, I said I'd check. The scanners registered you down here and ….."

"You gonna tell him?"

"What and spoil Gran's surprise. Want a hand with those?"

Gordon couldn't risk Virgil finding out the true contents in the parcels and declined.

Virgil shrugged, "Well if you're sure. I'll leave you to it then."

"Cover for me?"

Virgil, misinterpreting the worried frown nodded, "sure bro'."

Gordon breathed a sigh of relief and waited a couple of minutes before following his brother's footsteps to the service elevator. Once back at the house he ripped open the parcels and examined the contents. He smiled pleased. The differences were so subtle that only the owner of the genuine articles would be able to tell them apart. Gathering all Kyrano's bonsais in his room Gordon set about replacing them with the artificial life-like replicas he'd ordered, taking great care to ensure they looked undisturbed. It was the only part of the plan he hadn't informed Parker about. As far as Parker was aware he would be repotting the real thing. Leaving the originals temporarily in his room, Gordon took the replicas to Parker's, where by prior arrangement the butler was waiting.

"Hare you sure this will get me hinto Ky-ran-ho's good books again Mr. Gordon?"

"Believe me Parker, Kyrano will never forget you after this."

"But hay don't know a thing about repotting bons-heyes sir."

"Take it easy, you'll be fine, there's nothing to it. Just use the soil provided and put each bonsai in the larger matching planter and return the old planters to me. You want Kyrano to think you're taking an interest in his hobby, don't you? 'Course if you don't think you're up to it…….."

Parker's pride rose to the fore, "Hey man of may calibre can turn his 'and to henythink sir."

"That's the spirit. Right I'll leave you to it then….oh and Parker? Remember what we discussed?"

"Yes sir, it hall 'as to be carried out discreetly."

"Yeah, give me the signal when you've done and I'll come and collect the old planters. You know where they all go?"

"Yes sir, hey remember, one in the lounge and the others round the Koi pond and the terrace."

"F.A.B. After all you want your handiwork to be admired."

"Well hey don't rightly know haybout that sir…" Parker coughed.

The young aquanaut raised a brow. Parker wasn't noted for his modesty but if the epitome of English butler-hood wanted to play it that way, far be it for him to challenge that. "Okay, to get back onto Kyrano's good side then."

"That would be more lake it sir."

"I'll leave you to it then, better put in an appearance with the family, wouldn't want them to think I was up to something."

"Why would they think that sir, hif you don't mind me asking?"

"Oh, er, no reason. Just a figure of speech."

Parker waited only long enough for the young man to leave his room before beginning the task that was to restore relations between himself and Jeff's most loyal retainer. With little expertise but much enthusiasm Parker did just that. He stood back to admire his handiwork. It wasn't a bad job if he did say so himself. He was quite pleased with his efforts. That should have been that, but as he stood looking at the bonsais the urge to _really_ impress Kyrano came over him. Parker couldn't restrain himself. Not having the specialised trimming shears he'd seen Kyrano using, Parker decided a substitution would be acceptable and took out his nail scissors then began the specialised task of pruning, as he'd observed Kyrano doing. The trouble was he lacked Kyrano's finesse, so the more he trimmed, the more lop-sided the little bonsais became. And to balance out the discrepancy Parker then pruned even more. The end result made him gulp slightly but he was sure it was good for the trees. After all the gardeners at Creighton-Ward Mansion were always pruning things. Having reassured himself, Parker set about returning the various specimens to their rightful places.

"Ky-ran-ho if this don't win you over hey don't know what will."

Ever thoughtful, Parker cleared up the clippings and put away the tools of his labour before giving the watching instigator the prearranged signal. Then returning to his room with a well earned glass of beer, Parker was soon snoring, or as Parker would have it, inspecting the back of his eyelids.

Kyrano had a fruitful trip, returning refreshed and in tenuous good spirits. After gaining clearance for landing, he taxied to a halt at the end of TB2's runway, to be greeted by Scott and Virgil who assisted him in transporting the weekly supplies back to the house. On entering the lounge to announce dinner, his eyes went to the marble table and to the delicate Japanese Acer palmatum which took centre stage. He faltered for a moment, not quite sure what it was that had grabbed his attention. Frowning he pushed it to the back of his mind and returned to the matter in hand, namely the evening meal.

"Evening Kyrano, had a good trip?" Gordon Tracy greeted him pleasantly

"It was most enjoyable Mr. Gordon, thankyou." Kyrano's tranquil mood continued as he served the first course, due in part to the absence of Parker, who only put in a flustered appearance just as Kyrano was about to serve the second course.

"Whey didn't you call me?"

"You will forgive my er, lapse Mr. Parker; perhaps an alarm clock might help?"

"Hey er, was not sleeping, merely hinspectin' the back of may eyelids.

"As you wish." Kyrano said, taking note of his counterpart's slightly dishevelled appearance, not fooled for a minute.

"I'm here now, so hif you don't mind hey'll serve."

"Do not concern yourself; I am……… managing."

"Thankyou, but there is no need, I have it in hand."

"Oh but I er hinsist I serve the main course."

"Mr. Parker, must we go through this every time I wish to serve?"

"Hey'm only tryin' to 'elp you. Hey thought you'd be glad to see how it is done properly."

Kyrano could feel the first cracks in his tenuous peace appearing, while those around the table watched with interest at the contention brewing.

"Mr. Parker, please do not trouble yourself, I can manage."

"Manage is just haybout right.……."

"Parker?"

"Yes m'lady?"

"Perhaps you would be kind enough to pour us some more drinks and then leave Kyrano to do what he does best."

"Very well m'lady."

"Thanks Penny, I thought we were going to have the dinner on the floor as well." The reference to drinks incident brought forth gales of laughter from the table.

"Think nothing of it Jeff. I felt Kyrano could do with rescuing."

"Hey don't know, some people are so grumpy. Hey was only tryin' to 'elp. Wish hey 'hadn't bothered with them bloomin' bonsais now." Parker mouthed as they were preparing to bring the second course to the table.

And that was it. Kyrano stopped in his tracks. He now knew what had been bothering him ever since he'd first laid eyes on the tiny maple in the lounge, and felt his stomach lurch. "Tell me my ears are deceiving me? Tell me I have not heard you correctly?"

"Hey bout bein' grumpy?"

"Heyb….About my bonsai. Tell me….. that you have not touched it?"

But the look on Parker's face confirmed his fears. And in an action so out of character it had his onlookers gaping, Kyrano thrust the tureen and ladle at Parker, and bolted from the room, his face wild with abject panic.

"What on _earth_ has gotten into Kyrano?" Scott was the first to rally himself to ask. His father who still hadn't adjusted to the image of his retainer bolting from the room shook his head, "I wish I knew."

"Maybe he had to go to the l….."

"Thankyou for that Alan." Jeff Tracy gave his son a look that said not in front of the ladies.

"Parker, you were talking to him just now, do you know if anything is wrong with Kyrano?"

Parker knew exactly what was wrong with Kyrano. "Not hey clue m'lady."

Gordon Tracy also knew, (or thought he did) watched and waited with anticipation. Parker wasn't prepared for what followed, as the harried bonsai enthusiast tore into the dining room, his mouth working silently as he faced his adversary. Parker's anticipation of praise and congratulations turned to trepidation as he watched the varying emotions work their way across Kyrano's face. Parker realised the new understanding he'd hoped for between them (in spite of the liberal way he'd used the scissors) was a none starter. In fact from the gleam in Kyrano's eye Parker felt he'd be lucky if he saw morning now that his counterpart had finally found his voice.

"Keep yer hair on! Hey don't know what all the fuss is haybout."

"Mr. Parker! I am aware that your I.Q. is seriously disconnected; but even _you_ must have realised your treatment of my bonsai has not met with the reaction you anticipated?"

"Eh?"

"Mr. Parker, what you have done to my bonsais would be the equivalent of me taking a scouring pad to polish the bodywork of FAB 1."

Parker bristled, "Don't you even think haybout it."

But even as Parker was speaking something else occurred to Kyrano that made him pale. Parker had said bonsais, not bonsai. He felt his skin prickle with cold dread and shook his head, praying silently that it was only one tree Parker had assaulted. And as the family watched, the man they all knew for his steadfast solid calm demeanour, bolted from the room for the second time that evening.

A nervous tension descended over the instigator. Gordon hadn't anticipated a reaction like this. His pranks were designed for maximum effect to gain a laugh, but Kyrano appeared to be far from amused. What was up with him? It was only a harmless bit of fun. No real harm had been done by temporarily transplanting the originals…..okay so he expected Kyrano to panic a bit, maybe even get a little heated when he recognised the bonsais were replicas, but his reactions far exceeded this. The man was running around like he'd lost his favourite teddy. Gordon Tracy realised now would be a good time to get the originals back to their owner, but _how……_ without arousing suspicion? When he'd re-potted them he had intended to hide the original bonsais in Parker's room, but Parker had foiled him by falling asleep. What was he going to do now?

Even in the dark Kyrano could see the bonsais around the Koi pond resembled the one from the lounge and those on the patio. Had they not been given a short back and sides, he would have recognised instantly they weren't his. But that option had been firmly removed, and, as he looked at the twig like stumps, he felt his temper reach a crescendo. Finest butler or not, the urge to put his hands around Parker's throat was almost more than he could control, and as his eyes drifted from the bonsais he believed to be his, to the sleek classic lines of the Rolls parked majestically near the house, a white mist descended. The smile that touched the corners of his mouth would have had Parker quailing with alarm, but Parker wasn't there to see it. He was with the rest of the family wondering how long Kyrano was going to be.

The mood around the table was speculative.

"Maybe we should go and see if he's okay."

"I'll go in a minute Mr. Tracy." Tin-Tin offered, "I'm sure whatever it is Father will not want us to abandon the meal."

"I'm sure you're right Tin-Tin."

Gordon watched Parker, trying to gain his attention without arousing the suspicions of any of his brothers.

"Got a hair in your eye bro'?" Virgil asked. This brought Scott and Alan's heads round.

"Er no, I'm fine."

"Fly then?"

"Something like that," Gordon mumbled. This was not going at all how he'd anticipated. Where was Kyrano, what was taking him so long? He should have been back long before now. And, judging by Parker's expression, he wasn't the only one who was apprehensive.

"Would you like some more wine with that Penny?"

"Thankyou Jeff, that would be lovely. Parker; do the honours would you?"

As Parker stirred himself and reached forward. He almost spilled the contents over the tablecloth, as the sound reached him. The rest of the family leapt to their feet in alarm.

"_WHAT_ the devil was that?" Jeff threw down his napkin, an action mirrored by the rest of his family as they, along with Parker, tore through the house and onto the terrace to identify the cause of the noise.

"Hey don't believe it; I just don't _believe it_." Parker cried hoarsely.

Jeff wasn't sure he did either as he stood rooted to the spot, but Gordon did, and in spite of his avowals to the contrary, so did Parker as he watched the Malaysian haul himself out of the swimming pool and begin wringing out his tunic.

"Look what he's gone and done m'lady!"

Lady Penelope could only shake her head, still not having found her voice. She wasn't alone. All stood transfixed as they watched the sleek pink body of the limousine lurch and sink from view in the depths of the aqua clear waters of the Tracy pool. No-one knew what to say to the retainer as he politely, and deferentially, squelched past them back into the house.

"If you will excuse me Mr. Tracy, I'll get on with the washing up now."

"I just don't believe it." Parker kept muttering, his eyes round with shock. "He's sunk the Rolls m'lady……..!"

In the cold light of day, several things happened that left certain parties mystified and questioning their sanity. Kyrano, deciding to revisit the sites of his decimated collection, was baffled to find they were _all _fine, present and correct, and in _perfect_ order.

Parker, expecting to see the decimated miniatures did a double take and was left wondering how they'd grown and flourished overnight into perfect specimens prior to his ministrations.

The one person who could throw light onto the situation knew it would be more prudent not to. Gordon Tracy's skin was precious to him. The shock he'd had when he'd snuck out in the early hours of the morning to restore the real bonsais had him almost tipping in the Koi pond. No wonder Kyrano had reacted as he had. He disposed of the butchered replicas in the incinerator and hoped, that with the evidence gone, no one would be any the wiser. It had turned out to be a blessing in disguise that he still had possession of the trees. If he'd followed his original plan and put them in Parker's room, the finger would have very firmly pointed at him.

As for the Rolls, well that HAD happened. No-one had imagined that. It took specialist equipment to extricate it from its reclining position at the bottom of the full size pool. But that wasn't a problem. They had that. Gordon played his part to the full, securing the grabs to lift the car from the pool, while TB 2 hovered gracefully overhead, and raised it with the minimum of fuss, watched by Parker, who hovered anxiously near the pool. They had quite an audience as the drama was played out. Mrs. Tracy, who had a prime view from the balcony, stood chuckling and rubbing her hands, while her son looked on, still dazed from the night before. As was his guest. It was a rare thing to witness a rescue 'in the flesh' so to speak, and it made a fascinating talking point amongst the family. What did perplex them was what had possessed Kyrano do it in the first place.

Parker wouldn't say, when questioned. He was just glad the trees had somehow repaired themselves and he didn't want to do or say anything that might somehow jeopardise that.

Kyrano wouldn't say, he was just relieved his beloved bonsais were restored to him.

As for Gordon, well let's just say it was one of those rare times when the finger wasn't pointing at him and he wanted it kept that way. He paled when he thought of how his prank had backfired by Parker's impromptu pruning of the replicas, and concluded maybe it was time to steer his talents elsewhere and maybe give up the challenge of practical jokes…...Maybe.

Given time Kyrano recovered, and while Parker might not have figured it out, Kyrano was certain he had. The inconsistencies all pointed to one person. He may have thought he'd gotten away with it, but Kyrano wasn't fooled for long. It had Master Gordon's signature all over it. Besides the young man couldn't quite look him in the eye. It was touch and go that he didn't give into his instincts to string his young master up from the tallest palm. He decided it would be more enjoyable to respond in kind, somehow.

The two retainers, by unspoken mutual agreement skirted round each other in an uneasy truce, for the duration of the visit. While Parker spent the remainder of his days polishing and restoring FAB1 to her former pristine state, and guarding her with fierce parental vigilance. Kyrano counted the days off on his calendar and quietly celebrated with the better part of a bottle of wine the day Parker departed, sporting the first genuine smile since the day the butler had arrived.

The end?


End file.
